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The Subtle Art of Dealing with People

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“A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall”

I don´t remember who said that brilliant phrase, but I have treasured it in my mind for more years that I can remember.

Many people believe that to be successful in life, especially on the business arena, you have to be assertive, aggressive and intimidating, to get people do what you want. You have to raise your voice, command things and make pressure to make things go your way…

A person that is nice, friendly and soft, is considered as weak, as if there is no value of possessing those qualities. What really matters, is to “get results”; so, the more you push, the more you throw commands to others, the more you will succeed…Right?

Well… Wrong!

Maybe you will get people do what you want on the surface, but if they felt under pressure to do it, or against their will, well, do not expect that this agreement will be sustainable.

The number one human nature´s law that most people forget with dealing with others is the following: No one likes to feel ignored or unimportant. Human nature law number two: Most people do not care about you. Most people care about themselves.

No one will follow anybody’s advice or opinion, if it does not resonate with them. A leader, a politician or a person of power can exert all the pressure he or she wants, and most likely a civilized individual will follow, but not by heart, but by convenience or obligation. At the end, whatever was imposed will not succeed in the long term, because for something to really change it has to touch the deepest layers of people’s hearts, to the point that they themselves think that the proposed idea is their own, and so they will embrace it with all the willpower and determination that only the aggressive forces can dream of.

In my still short but intense experience in business and life, I have observed what makes projects succeed and what makes them fail. I have seen how promising relationships start and how some end up in wonderful marriages, and how others crash quite spectacularly.

It seemed like a mystery to me to understand, to really understand this: What makes a project, any life project, succeed or fail?

I spent far too much time in the mechanics of it; maybe projects fail because it was the wrong strategy; the wrong customer; the wrong people; the wrong circumstances; the wrong partner; the bad weather; the financial crisis; lack of money or too much of it; the wrong politicians; the wrong systems…nearly anything can go wrong, but what makes something really go wrong?

That’s right, people.

People´s attitude is what really makes something succeed or fail.

All the life and business projects that went wrong in my life, had to do with one person: Me.

How I approached things and treated people were the differences between my success or my failure in any particular endeavor.

Galileo once said: “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself”.

When we try to impose our views, ideas, ways of working, or whatever, to somebody else, it only will lead to opposition and conflict.

In the subtle art of dealing with people, most people forget that the only way to get people´s attention and buy-in is when you listen to them first, make them feel important and praise them sincerely for their contribution.

You will master the art of relationships when you understand that most people are hundred times more interested about themselves, of their wants and problems, than they will ever be about yours. When you understand this, you will immediately shift the attention away from you to place it in the others. People will notice when you pay attention to them and listened sincerely. They will praise this with following at the end your wishes, as it will feel it came from their own good will, rather than as a direct demand from you.

“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get the opponent´s good will”- Benjamin Franklin

The little piece of honey, has thousand times better effects on people, than all the gall they can receive. We all receive our fair share of negativity everyday; it is as abundant as the air we breathe. But rarely we meet a person who sincerely and empathetically cares. Is rare to meet someone whose energy, enthusiasm, charisma and love shines so brightly than even the sun feels at competition.

Be that bright spot, by any means, be the star that shine our brightest nights. We need more people like you.

Vulnerability: Confronting The Fear of Failure

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Have you heard the saying “Tell me what you fear and I will tell you who you are?”

Believe or not, your fears could be the gate which conducts you to your real passion, to your real nature.

Have you asked yourself, what fear really is? If we look at the standard definition, you find things like “Fear is an emotion that is characterized by an intense sensation of discomfort caused by a potential danger- real or imaginary. It can be manifested in the present or it can even be triggered by something that happened in the past or for what will happen in the future” (Oxford Dictionary)

In scientific terms, researches that study the effects of fear focus on the biological and physical effects that we experiment once the fear sensation dominates the human mind: First the object of fear is decoded by the brain; the information goes through the limbic system, which then starts to trigger survival reactions like the fighting mode and scape mechanisms. At all moments, the limbic system is registering perceptions and keeps adjusting the reactions to maintain the alert state even during our sleep.

Once our limbic system detects and registers the potential danger, the amigdala triggers a series of answers which travel through our body and alerts it to react against the potential danger. Some reactions our body experiment are as follows:

  • Increase of blood pressure,
  • Increase of muscular tension,
  • Increase of adrenaline,
  • Increase of glucose levels on the blood,
  • Cohibition of non-essential body functions

The reaction to fear can be so intense, that it could even turn us into panic mode, which is a very intense fear sensation, where you could lose partially or completely the control over your mind and body.

The imminent fear experienced when you are directly confronted by a dangerous situation is a natural and healthy reaction which is inherent as a mechanism for our survival.

However, we as humans experiment fear not only on the physical plane but also on the psychological one: We can experience fear about thoughts that happened already in the past or invented situations that do not exist yet.

This sensation of incapability or paralysis towards a potential fear is what make us feel vulnerable. Vulnerability is nothing more than the feeling of being uncapable of dealing with difficult or risky situations, uncertainty and physical and/or emotional exposure.

Psychologist Jordan Petersen, argues that there is inherently nothing wrong with experiencing fear; the problem is when the sensation of fear overcomes the desire to strive and act in direction to your goals.

The feeling of vulnerability is the responsible that thousands of people are not capable of developing their own talents or to live the life they desire, because they are paralyzed by the fear of failure… to what other people say, or not to be accepted by a social group.

In reality, fear can be the consequence of the lack of identification with your true Self.When the perception of who you are is just linked with what you see outside, with your past and present experiences… you start to lose contact with the inside.

Like Brené Brown says: “Shame keep us small, resentful and afraid. In shame-prone cultures, where parents, leaders, and administrators consciously or unconsciously encourage people to connect their self-worth to what they produce externally, I see disengagement, blame, gossip, stagnation, favoritism and a total dearth of creativity and innovation”.

So, we can go as far as to say that is not failure but fear, the real killer of creativity.

Knowing that, I wonder, what is the motivation to keep ourselves surrendering to our emotions of fear? Why not to give us an opportunity to overcome the feeling of fear and strive?

We all have the capability to overcome our fears by making the conscious decision to stand for ourselves and our values. Those are the primal foundations that are indestructible. If you know who you are and what you are after, the fear of failure cannot stop you from moving forward.

I would like to leave you with a poem from Vincent Peale, which summarizes the message beautifully:

It is the tenacity that will make you triumph someday, do not tire, old leopard! Keep firm;
It is so easy to give up.
It is to continue with the chin up which is difficult.
It’s easy to shout that you’re beaten … and die.
It is easy to walk like a crab and crawl.
But fight and fight when hope does not show itself…
That’s the best fight of all!
And to think that you will resist every strenuous attack,
All broken, all defeated, bleeding.
Try one more time;
It is deathly easy to die.
It is to continue living what is difficult.

Find Your Own Truth

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I am not a believer of mainstream truths.

Of course, with the exception of the irrefutable laws of nature, which, are not human made; and most likely are wrongly interpreted by us.

I don’t believe in universal remedies. I don’t believe that we can standardize human affairs. Specially in business, this seems like it’s been an obsession for many decades.

We have overall what I call institutional “vectors”; different areas of our society where there has been an establishment of institutions and organizations whose aim is purely to get control over our human activities and dictate the “best practice” in every single aspect of life: Health, Education, Security, Food, Economy… you name it.

Those “institutions” bombard us with their army of information and best practices; I think most people have started to believe that without them, we wouldn’t exist as a civilization.

I have been wondering, when has been the last time that I have had a thought completely by myself- without the interferences of all these noisy channels, institutions, people?

The field of metaphysics combined with neuroscience has arrived to an agreement to the fact that our “reality” is just a perception, an image in 3D produced by the brain. The famous philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer concluded that those images that we see as the outside world, are the projection of our thoughts (private and collective) about how we see the world.

In that regard, it is not crazy to think that two people see two very unique and different worlds from their own perspective. Maybe they will agree on some elements of the collective thought- perception: For example, that there is a tree outside a window, that the car is red, and from the day always follows the night. But perhaps there are other elements of reality that are completely different.

I think it is fascinating to discover, that there are more than 7 billion of ways about how to look at the world. At the same time, it is quite frightening. If each individual is living his own personal reality, how can we collaborate with each other so that we can share an harmonious reality while respecting each other’s unique world perspective? Is that even possible? I guess that is exactly the attempt of all those “institutions”- to provide us a collective reality that must be widely accepted-instead of promoting the world of free thought and action.

I believe that we could never have a full understanding of the world and even less about ourselves, when we are constantly looking at what others think- including the mainstream truth sold by all the existing media and social channels.

The only way to find truth, as cliché as it still might sound, is to look inside, and to listen carefully to your body. Your truth is the only truth that can ever exist. As Schopenhauer rightly says:

“Fundamentally, it is only our own basic thoughts that possess truth and life, for only these we understand through and through. The thoughts of another that we have read are crumbs from another’s table, the cast-off clothes of an unfamiliar guest”.

That’s why our nature is mainly in a restless state. We cannot be simply satisfied by sitting around and being content about purely existing. Our mind capacities oblige us to think that there must be something else out there other than existing for the purely form of being.

We have been trying to find this truth by observing the world; by developing a sense of awareness and understanding.

It is well known that when you believe in something, that becomes a reality for you. What we call the law of attraction is nothing more than a manifestation of the true operations of the thought. As James Allen beautifully describes it:

“Of all the beautiful truths pertaining to the soul which have been restored and brought to light in this age, none is more gladdening or fruitful of divine promise and confidence than this— that man is the master of thought, the molder of character, and the maker and shaper of condition, environment, and destiny”.

 Of course, the inevitable question we now face is how to identify when a thought is purely our own, or when it is being influenced by external forces?

I would dare to say, that most of the thoughts that are coming to us during the day are the result of the information coming from a collective cloud- all the information you get from the media, the values and traditions that were taught to you from your family; the books you read, the people you interact with. All of them are forces that are shaping consciously or unconsciously your thoughts.

The only way to find the truth coming from your inner self is by allowing silence into your life. Permit to have some time for yourself, where you can stay in silence and not be disturbed with noises.

Meditation is a good way to have access to your own thoughts. Also having a walk alone in the nature, with no other disturbance but the sounds of the natural life.

Another way is simply to sit still and let your mind wander away. There will be a point in time that everything will come still. The truth will come by itself, like a birthright.

If we have an aim in life, I think that finding our own truth must be it. Otherwise, why to bother to be alive at all?

You are the only responsible to find out who you really are. It is no one else´s responsibility and no one else can do it for you.

Do not give your right away!

“Man is always the master, even in his weakest and most abandoned state; but in his weakness and degradation he is foolish master who misgoverns his household. When he begins to reflect upon his condition and search diligently for the Law upon which his being is established, he then becomes the wise master, directing his energies with intelligence, and fashioning his thoughts to fruitful issues. Such is the conscious master, and man can only thus become by discovering within himself the laws of thought; which discovery is totally a matter of application, self- analysis and experience.”- James Allen

Perfectionism vs. Striving for Excellence

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In our society, we praise perfectionism. We think of being perfect as the highest aim: We must have a perfect body, a perfect intelligence. A perfect house, a perfect family and perfect experiences. We long for perfection, although we do not fully understand the forms. What does it mean to be perfect? Who or what defines perfection?

You don´t need to look very far: As soon as you get into social media, you see the effects perfectionism has on people. Everybody wants to show their best image, their perfect side.

At the same time, odd enough, we also accept as humans that perfection doesn´t exist, that it is an unattainable goal. “Nobody is perfect”, is what people tell us. You might agree with me, that the whole idea about perfectionism is confusing. On one side, we venerate perfectionism even if we have no idea what does it really means. But because we don´t understand it, we justify our mediocrity by accepting that perfection does not exist.

When we say: “I am a perfectionist”, what we are really saying is: “I am afraid to fail, therefore I do not want to act right away until I feel safe enough to do so”.

We also tend to associate perfectionism with success. If we do things perfectly, then we should be rewarded, we should be successful in our endeavors. I believe this association is very dangerous to our mental health. First of all, we cannot aim for perfection when we don´t understand what being perfect means. You might have an idea about what it means to you to be perfect, but perfection per se is an impossibility, something unattainable. When you set yourself unattainable goals with no real foundation but a mere abstract belief of perfection, you will most likely crash yourself on the wall.

The thing is, perfectionism is actually an imaginary place coming from the ego. It comes from our intense fear of being judged and our internal insecurity of not feeling good enough. It is an attempt to procrastinate action; it blocks creativity and the possibility to use your intuition.

You might argue that some degree of perfectionism is good; that there is nothing bad in wanting to do the things the best possible way we are able to do it. I fully agree with that, however, we are not talking here about trying to be perfect or do things perfectly; we are saying we want to do them “The best possible way”- This involves your heart, your focus, your effort… your willingness to do what it takes, to perform the best that is possible. There is a difference between perfectionism and striving for excellence.

So, you might wonder, what is the difference between perfectionism and striving for excellence?

According to the Cambridge dictionary, Excellence means excelling at something. It means greatness… to be the very best. It’s possessing high qualities in a high degree. It requires practice, dedication, devotion… it is something that only through intense practice and hard work you can attain. Excellence in my opinion, is connected to Love. It is a quality you develop from the inside.

Perfectionism is not something that comes from you. It comes from the external expectations of other people, of societies or entities, whether you consciously know it or not. It has a set of unrealistic expectations and predetermined definitions. It comes from the need to be accepted and liked, to belong. It fulfills the collective Ego, and not your inner nature. That´s why it is unattainable: It is nearly impossible to please everybody all the time.

If you really want to be successful, then aiming at excellence is the way to go. To become excellent in what you do, in what you want to offer to the society and the world, is something that is aligned with your vision and with your passion. You wouldn´t want to become excellent at something you are not passionate about, do you?

How do we know that we are being a perfectionist instead of aiming for excellence?

In short, an easy way to detect if you are aiming at perfectionism instead of excellence is if:

  • You feel very anxious about the results;
  • You are afraid of how other people will judge you and see you;
  • The idea of perfection comes from an external source: Your family, coworkers, the media, your friends, society;
  • No matter how much you work, it seems never good enough;
  • You think more on the final reward than the process of getting there: Money, success, fame, etc;
  • You feel afraid to act; you always doubt before doing the next steps;
  • You get very frustrated and angry if things do not go as expected.

Now on the other side, when you are aiming to be excellent in your actions, you will most likely:

  • Feel energized every time you are doing the activity;
  • Have an inner motivation to act the best way you possibly can; regardless of the result;
  • Feel that what you are aiming at is connected with your vision;
  • Feel like this is a continuous learning process, with no real end;
  • Have a sense that you are contributing to build something greater than yourself;
  • Feel that you are learning a lot about yourself- your strengths and weaknesses.

In summary: Perfectionism is not self-improvement. It comes from the primary thought of trying to get approval from external sources. The main question you ask yourself is: What will they think? A healthy action of striving for excellence involves the question: What can I do better, how can I keep improving?

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, Therefore, is not an act, but an habit”- Aristotle

The Power of Self-Discipline

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It´s not a secret. Self-discipline takes patience and courage. Truth being told, the majority of us do not like to work very hard. We expect that life should happen exactly the way we want it, with not much effort from our side. That´s why most of the people remain average. When I say average, I mean, they aim at little and stay with little. They are afraid to dream big, not only because they don´t think they can accomplish it, but also because they know that going after a big dream will mean hard work, sacrifice and get out of the acclaimed comfort zone.

Our culture today loves movie stars, football sensations, business gurus, self-made multimillionaires, influencers and people of the sort that promise the good easy life. They seem like they accomplish everything so easily; from the outside it seems like if they didn´t had to do much to accomplish their position. We think, that person got really lucky, and it was already born talented, so it was a matter of good luck. Being an underdog, working hard for the love of it with no appraisals or attention it’s not sexy, it’s not what is promoted in our social circles.

I believe that the reality is far from being that simple. Roger Federer, considered the best Tennis player in history, is a living example of this. He has mentioned in numerous occasions that self-discipline and endless endurance trainings throughout the years starting at a very early age were the key to his success.

Key elements of self-discipline

 “If you want to master the mind and remove your governor, you will have to become addicted to hard work. Because passion and obsession, even talent are only useful tools only if you have the work ethic to back them up”- David Goggins

Self-discipline in my opinion, must contain the following elements to really work:

Determination: It is a mixture of passion and perseverance which keeps us moving forward despite the obstacles;

Practice: Repetition in simple activities, along a certain period of time can transform the ordinary to the extraordinary. The greatest abilities which are performed with great precision, are the ones that are executed in the most rigorous and corrected ways.

“We have to develop the instinct of what one can achieve through their greatest efforts”- Albert Einstein

Resilient mentality: We will fail. There will be days that we would like to just give up because we don´t see results after many attempts. Having a resilient mentality will help us overcome those bad moments. Resilience means remaining positive and calm even in the worst of the events. If we remain positive and hopeful, even if things don’t work out as planned, it will keep us in the game.

Stay alert: The fact that we are focused performing certain actions restlessly should not blind us from the “whole”. It is important to keep ourselves alert of any activity that is not really serving us so that we can change it.

Flexibility: In this world, change is the only constant. There will be points in our lives where external situations will change completely our plans. One important element of being disciplined is the ability to remain flexible and make changes accordingly. It is our responsibility to adapt to new circumstances to avoid getting stuck in doing things that do not work anymore in the present situations.

Reflecting on the above elements, drives us to the obvious conclusion that achieving self-discipline starts with the mind. A disciplined mind will result in a disciplined body and action.

One of our greatest challenges in our own personal growth is to achieve an extraordinary level of self-discipline to develop the necessary focus to achieve what we are longing to do. I believe that this is really the starting point in our journey of reaching our most desirable goals in life.

Being disciplined is an act of self-love. It’s giving that confirmation to yourself that your goals matter; your dreams matter. They are worth enough to dedicate all your time, all your passion and all the hard work it takes to make them a reality. It is a price worth paying, isn´t it?